La Douleur Exquise

Have you ever had a cosmic connection to another person that you can't explain?  A linking together that is inexplicable and yet ultimately goes nowhere?  I have a person like that in my life.  Not even in my life.  Just this man that I used to know and still see from time to time.  Every time I see him the mutual attraction is undeniable and yet in my heart I know it will never be.  It is the most exquisite, luxurious pain.  

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I see him like clockwork.  I know that every spring when the first pink blooms appear on the trees and my mind starts to remember, that soon he will appear.  At first it was intentional and now it happens randomly, but it always happens.

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Today was a near miss.  I was walking back to my office and thought "I think I will take another hallway today."  I nearly talked myself out of it twice, but a little voice said "do it."  If I had gone the usual route, I would have missed him entirely.  Is it coincidence?  Is it fate?  I don't really know.  All I know is that it happens consistently.

I actually look forward to it.  Even though it reminds me of all that was, all that never was, and all that never will be, it also reminds me that I'm alive.  I get that flurry in my stomach and for the rest of the day I get to feel twitterpated.  I can luxuriate in the daydreams of the "what ifs."

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In another time, another place, it would be magical. But in this time, this place, we just don't have enough in common beyond the electricity of the attraction.   I wish we did.

The fact that the same feeling returns time and time again just confirms for me in my spirit that one day I will feel it with someone else and it will be even better because that road won't end.

In the mean time, I will continue to look forward to the spring and when the pink blossoms appear I will think of him and know that I will see him soon.